Monday, December 21, 2009

History of Gilbertopia Part I

Now the history of Gilbertopia is very lively and dramatic, some say, it is so bloody dramatic, that it could only have been conjured up by a wacky sci-fi author who's had too much chocolate. That is partly true since our censors are indeed wacky sci-fi authors who 've had too much chocolate. We only allow one view, one history to be told, and we choose how to tell the story.

So once upon a time, when the world was flat, and not just flat, but also rectangular, there was no civilisation. Everybody was stupid uneducated, and knew nothing about the world they lived in. And there actually was peace. But it was so very boring. Come on, how can anything be interesting when there's peace? Every story must have conflict!

One day, a geologer drilled into the earth and found out that it was made out of cardboard. Cardboard has many uses, but Gilbertopians were soon able to bend cardboard to their daily necessities.

They made vehicles such as cars, trucks, ships and planes out of cardboard. They made television out of cardboard.

Cardboard was also a source of energy when purified, it was so kewl, it was called kewlnergy. One gram of kewlnergy produce 1.3 Megajoules of energy. In fact, in our system, one Kewl (k) is a unit equal to 1.3 Megajoules.

That's right, we've ditched the metric system so none of you will ever understand what the heck we're talking about. We also made electric current a non-SI derivative

So anyway, none was as smart and with scientific background as the ruler Gilbert, so they primitively called it "magic substance" (Now I'd love to translate that crudely into chinese, maybe it'll sound less retarded)

Pretty soon, an entire township was formed on cardboard. A discipline of bending cardboard was formed, and the disciples were called "cardboard using people" And life was still boring.

One day, Gilbert came down to their little world and decided to make life more interesting for them.

First, he gave them enemies to fight. These people would always come and raid them, kill them, destroy their farmland, assault towns here and there, carry away their women, sell their kids into slavery, steal their pets and eat their cheese. Now isn't life more interesting for them?

And so, the natives were so grateful to Gilbert for making life interesting, that they worshipped him as a god and named themselves in his honour. (You as the reader, better just shut up and let me finish)

And the Elite Cardboard Using People developed a new discipline that involved using cardboard in fighting. The new discipline was called "Fighting Using Cardboard"

So the Fighting Using Cardboard People formed an army, and went up against the invaders, who had by this time been called "The People Who Sack and Raid Cardboardland" *Cardboardland is Gilbertopia*

So the Fighting Using Cardboard People fought against the People Who Sack And Raid Cardboardland, and beat 'em up real bad.

So the People Who Sack And Raid Cardboardland were driven of to "The Land Where The People Who Sack And Raid Cardboardland Were Driven To"(TLWTPWSARCWDT)

And so, the Gilbertopians gained their independence, thanks very much to Gilbert, who gave them people who would conquer them so that they could enjoy getting liberated. So that's what happened to the formation of Gilbertopia. The End. Later on in Part II, we explore the cultural reforms (Read: Boring peace processes) that took place in Gilbertopia.

- And the world stayed flat.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Our Answer to Medical critics

In light of the criticism of Gilbertopia that the government does not provide any funding for medical research and training, Gilbert has declared a new Medicare and Medicaid programme.

In this programme, our nurses are now taught how to operate hypodermic needles. They get all their practise from state sponsored oranges! That's right, trainee nurses first learn how to use needles by practising on oranges. What a wonderful development from simply hit-and-miss trial by fire, on-real-live-patient mass poking that we normally do.

They are also taught that hypodermic needles are supposed to be hypo-dermic, which means before the dermis. That's true right? I mean, if hypo- means before or less, and epidermis is the layer of skin UNDER the dermis, than the hypodermic needle pokes above the skin.

So, as consequence, our patients are not getting any better, but just look at those healthy oranges!


Monday, June 29, 2009

Sorting few things out

Yes, the Great Gloomunster of Gilbertopia is pretty aware that the last post contradicts with his world census report. That's the problem, see. The ministry of Propaganda in Gilbertopia doesn't have a very good memmory, and hence can't keep track of all our little lies.

Well just to sort things out on wht will be canon:

The police do exist. In three levels.
Police, secret police and thought police.

Police do all the grunt work.
What secret police do is a secret. Whether they exist or not is also a secret.
Thought police are these hastily ripped-off of 1984 thought police and are pretty similar in their composition and method.

In courts, the legislative powers are pretty high up to the below-Gloomunster level.
The executive powers are under the police/military
the judiciary is under a kangaroo court. Um, I mean under the military, which is waaay more biased towards our rule than a police are.

Yep, I hope that clears it.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Social security

Social security may refer to social insurance, income maintenance and all that crap in other countries, but not in Gilbertopia.

In Gilbertopia, social security consists of taxes, more taxes, police, secret police and thought police.

Here's how it works:

1) You pay your taxes

2) Police demand taxes.

3) You say you've already paid your taxes.

4) Well now you've got new taxes, except now it goes to the police.

5)You go to court. Complaining about these fraudulent taxes.

6) The Judge demands a 'fee' to investigate your case......

Gilbertopia does, however, provide insurance, under the gubberment pw3nt (or owned, for you non-elite speakerz) compagnie, Gilassures Pt Ltd. Yes, just like other Gilbertopian economic sectors, it holds a monopoly on insurance.

The terms are pretty unique in Gilbertopian insurance. Laws are very different from what one might find in other countries. They vary from other countries in that:

a) In case of death, the policyholder is the one that will be paid. Family and friends or other beneficiaries do not apply.

b) There is no Unemployment Insurance, merely unemployment assurance.

c) Property is government's anyway, so you can't claim on that.

d) Insurance is mandatory

e) Apart from life insurance, there is no assurance that insurance will cover you.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Gilbertopian culture

Gilbertopian Square Pie

A hallmark of any particular culture is effigied in its cuisine. Gilbertopians are well-known for their delicious square pies. The pies basically taste the same as any other pie, but now their area is easily measurable. The legend goes that Garchimedes wanted to measure the area of the top of his favourite pie. He found from this other guy by the name of Archie or Arky or meedees or whatever that pie= 3.142. But since that was such an irrational number, decided that it would be easier to measure the surfce area of his pie if it were a square. So he edited the regular formula 3.142*R*R , for measuring the surface area of his pie to Pie Are Square. Hence, the area of pies are now far easier to calculate.

The nutritional value of Gilbertopian Square Pies are surprisingly healthy. Gilbertopia's top nutritionist claims that Gilbertopian pies can be consumed singularly, because they constitute square meals.


In Gilbertopia, every one wears sunglasses, a nice black coat and long pants with belt, as well as tie with a silver bar tie clip. (THINK MIB) This is the official dress of Gilbertopia. Unless of course, one is in the military in which soldiers wear the flag of the military. Which we will discuss later. (Or at least this is how civillians are portrayed in our propagandistic films).


The Gubberment de Gilbertopia demands discipline from the hearts of every Gilbertopian. The citizens are quick to repent at the smallest sin they might make against the fatherland. Not that it works. This is actually shadowed by the fact that the Thought Police are quick to hunt down dissidents.

Monday, March 2, 2009

New species discovered

Gloobertopian explorers have discovered a new species of dinosaur name Thesaurus (from Latin-english: The lizard)
Thesaurus is a still existing species of dinosaur exclusive to the Bookcase mountains, Gloobertopia. They are often found being preyed upon by a canivorous species Dictionaurus Rex, another newly discovered dinosaur. There have been four species of dinosaur discovered so far, the list goes as follows:

Dictionaurus Rex

They can eat people, but only when fried with butter.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

A few new laws added to the constitution

1. We the Gloobertopian police,(A.K.A the Fa Shiown police)* hereby claim the right and responsibility to interrogate and/or torture a perceived wrongdoer in the interest of the safety of the country. That includes dead people and animals.

2. It is illegal to waste food in Gloobertopia.

3. Therefore, it is illegal to put toasters into bathtubs, because it might wet the toast.

4. However, the person will not be charged with attempted suicide by self-electrocution by wet toaster. Because that person is 'wet toast'.

5. Dead people can still be arrested. We dunno why we like torturing dead ppl so much.

5. It is illegal to forge a signature, including one's own.

6. It is illegal to kill a dinosaur or dodo. They are protected species.

7. Wet toast is free from prosecution. Unless they are buttered with cheese on a Monday.

8. And again, do not desecrate cheese on Mondays. It's part of our "we have a religion so we can dump insane and sometimes random taboos onto you" program. (And we secretly hate you.)

9. All those who keep pet fish require a fishing license. Because fishing is controlled. (Apparently, we can't tell the difference between a fish license and a fishing license.)

10. All government companies must arrange daily two-hour meetings on how to increase office productivity as part of our economics program.

*The Fa Shiown police is the new police force created by Gloomunster. The Arbiter Tribunal is not set up yet, so jurisdiction, or what is right and wrong, is decided by tossing a coin.